I hate zombies. It’s not that I hate them because they terrify us humans with their gaunt faces and decomposing bodies. Or hate them because they use us as nourishment. It’s more like I hate them because of what they represent. Some parasitic organism so bent on chasing you that no matter what you do, they will always be gnawing at your ankles, in a futile effort to appease their greed.

For a more personal example, we don’t need to look at zombies for that. We just need to look at “Corporate America” and the juxtaposition becomes crystal clear. Uncle Sam all of a sudden is known as a synonym for zombies.

Knock Knock! people, Uncle Sam Zombie wants his taxes now!

No. These heartless organisms don’t give a fuck if you recently lost your job or if you are barely keeping your head above the murky waters. When the gluttonous organisms want some of your green blood, they’ll scratch through walls just to drain you of it.

You probably would rather choose to be harassed by your bank than by zombies, and I don’t blame you. I can go into my bank and yell at the teller for charging me some “overdraft fees” that I received because of their own incompetence. I can even steal those pens that are attached to the little chain and take all their complimentary candy just to feel better about the situation. But what I can’t do is yell at a zombie for scratching the shit out of my neck. Get what I’m saying?

But of course, just like it is dealing with zombies or the American government, there’s always a catch-22. We mustn’t forget that zombies are parasitic in nature. So while you can easily slam the phone during a call from your bank who is just making a “courtesy call”, you can’t as easily ignore a zombie like that. It takes a 24 hour effort of constant surveillance and strategizing to even make it out alive to see the sun rise again. If a zombie outbreak was to happen right now, right while you are reading this sentence…can you honestly say that you are prepared for it?  I’m talking to you, GhostTheory reader. You strike me as the kind of person who enjoys the paranormal, not because it’s fun to “ghost hunt” or any other reason like that, but because you enjoy the paranormal and expanding your critical thinking and always looking beyond your horizons and contemplating the natural forces that surround us and the extensive laws of physics, as we understand them to be.

So I ask you again, are you prepared?

Do you have a survival pack ready by your front door? Do you own weapons? Do you know the back way out of your town or city? Or are you just gonna panic and grab your cellphone and photo albums and head to the nearest freeway entrance in order to escape the chaos? You can take this article  however way you want to, but the point is that in order to successfully survive an apocalyptic event, you must be prepared and ready to fight.

So what do you do if  the weatherman says that tomorrow will bring thunderstorms and the apocalypse?

Breath. Make some coffee, pet your dog, sit down and sketch out an escape. Don’t let those parasitic creatures win and claim your life. Don’t even take your eyes off them or you’ll find yourself in the grip of their bony claws, pulling you in closer. Their mouths wide open and their lips curled up exposing those dirty and broken teeth. The smell of death wafts out of their gaping mouths. You hold your breath for as long as you can before forcefully inhaling that smell that makes your stomach turn. Pulling you closer, your face is inches away from their mouths. You stare deeply into the mouth which reminds you of a bottomless pit. Deep into the abyss. Don’t let them get you!

Oh, and watch out for the zombies as well.